The true territory
Intimate relationships are one of the most demanding endeavors you will ever engage in. Alongside their unbeatable upsides, they are also guaranteed to bring unparalleled intensity and conflict. This—not the Disney-Hallmark fantasy—is the complex reality of human intimacy.
As you may have realized by now, the problems are often not about the other person: when we look in the rearview mirror, we are likely to find a whole lot of ourselves. The relationships we had with caretakers early in life, peer influence, and our own blind spots have direct impacts on our adult relationships, and the trouble caused by these kinks is begging for our attention.
Our ability to maintain intimate relationships is a developable capacity like any other, and the pain we experience here is just like that found at work: it is often a sign that our current capacity cannot stand up to the demands placed upon it. The good news is that each painful relationship “symptom” also shows us the areas of personal evolution that would serve us most.
The accelerator
When we engage our relationship in service of development by showing up with fierce heart, disturbance is met with curiosity and commitment. We get curious what the discomfort shows us about ourselves, and we commit to looking directly at whatever we may find. Paradoxically, the more vulnerably we examine ourselves, the less we have to deny or hide, and the less fragile we ultimately feel. With this orientation, we also progress through the stages of adult development more efficiently.
In this way, deliberately using intimate relationship as a crucible for our human evolution is a fast-tracked curriculum. Indeed, it may be the developmental accelerator.
You’re not just a Coastie; you’re probably someone’s partner, too. My services can help you assertively square-away this identity as well.
John M. Kopp 